Hello friends! Everyone loves celebrating holidays, but too bad they only come around once a month, if that. For those of you just looking for ways to slack off at work, the month of July has a holiday every day. Here is a guide on how to celebrate them. Good luck getting these past your boss.
July 1st – Canada Day
Starting the month off easy, Canada Day is a day for us to remember our brothers to the north who do… something, I’m sure of it. Eat some Canadian bacon or say some words with that funny accent.
July 2nd – I Forgot Day
A day worth remembering that everyone will surely forget. Feel free to do anything you want today, because nobody will remember tomorrow. Nothing bad will happen. We promise.
July 3rd – Stay out of the Sun Day
Stay inside as much as you can today. You have a big day tomorrow and you don’t want to risk it by doing something stupid and getting a sunburn. If you have to go outside, wear a big hat and use plenty of sunscreen. Remember, today you’re a vampire.
July 4th – National Country Music Day
The 4th of July is best remembered as a day where everyone plays country music and remembers the good ol’ days. It’s good to be an American. It almost seems like there should be something else on this day too, doesn’t it?
July 5th – Work-a-holics Day
Time to catch up on all the work you missed celebrating the past couple days. This year it falls on a Saturday so … I guess catch up on the episodes of Workaholics you missed?
July 6th – National Fried Chicken Day
Treat your family to a nice large bucket of fried chicken today – the unhealthier the better. Or just grab a bucket to yourself. The correct way to celebrate is to eat until you feel yourself sweating grease, take a break, and then finish the rest of the chicken. This is not the day to be wasteful.
July 7th – Chocolate Day
After the unholy amount of fried chicken you consumed yesterday, you need to detox by chowing down on chocolate the entire day. Grab anything from a handful of M&M’s to Bertha-from-accounting’s birthday cake and eat until you hit that 3 p.m. crash.
July 8th – Video Games Day
Today is the day to celebrate all of those fun little time-wasters you already play at work anyways. The only difference is you can get away with it! Just tell your boss what day it is and she will understand.
July 9th – National Sugar Cookie Day
Job hunting after losing a job is tough, so grab some sugar cookies today to take some of the edge off of unemployment.
July 10th – Teddy Bear Picnic Day
Don’t have any friends? You don’t need any! Take your favorite teddy bear out to the park today for a pleasant picnic. Don’t worry about people staring, they’re just jealous they don’t have an awesome teddy bear like you do
July 11th – Cheer up the Lonely Day
Everyone gets lonely sometimes, especially someone without a job that takes their stuffed animals on dates. Find one person who looks lonely today and give them a hug. People giving you hugs doesn’t count. They might not be lonely.
July 12th – Pecan Pie Day
Fact: 73% of Americans list Pecan Pie as their third favorite pie, right behind apple and American. Be an American today and eat some pea-can pie
July 13th – Embrace Your Geekness Day
Everybody has some guilty pleasures, and today is the day to embrace it. Go ahead, wear your Star Wars shirt to work. Make a Breaking Bad themed dinner for your family. Spend 13 hours watching every Lord of the Rings movies and quoting every line.
Pro-tip: It has to be something you don’t do everyday already.
July 14th – National Nude Day
Here is a day we can all get behind. Get out there and show everyone the only suit you can’t outgrow and claim “It totally fit last week! It must have shrank at the cleaners.” We know better.
July 15th – Cow Appreciation Day
Celebrate the circle of life by giving a cow a hug, making your way to the nearest restaurant, and ordering a cheeseburger. Extra beefy.
July 16th – Fresh Spinach Day
Your dietary choices have been unwise (at best) the past two weeks. Time to change it up by enjoying some fresh spinach. If your body rejects it don’t worry – eating healthy is the first step to recovery. Gotta get that job back someday.
July 17th – Peach Ice Cream Day
But first, go eat some ice cream. Just get through this day, better ones lie ahead.
July 18th – National Caviar Day
Show your boss how classy you are by partaking in the eloquent dish of the fancier folk. He will appreciate your fine taste in culinary delights and immediately rehire you. He might even promote you.
July 19th – National Raspberry Cake Day
Nothing says success like raspberry cake. Celebrate your new/old job with America’s 15th favorite cake (citation needed).
July 20th – Ugly Truck Day- it’s a “guy” thing
You know you love your truck. We know you love your truck. We both know its absolutely hideous. Embrace it by posting way too many pictures of it to your Facebook/Instagram page so all your coworkers block you. And make sure to use as many hashtags as possible, everyone loves a hashtag overload.
July 21st – National Junk Food Day
You haven’t had enough horribly unhealthy food this month yet, so make sure to eat your absolute favorite junk food day. And don’t go cheap by buying off the dollar menu, today is a day for big spenders.
July 22nd – Hammock Day
Go ahead. You deserve it. Take the day off and enjoy a relaxing day in a hammock. If you don’t have one, use your neighbors. They won’t mind.
July 23rd – National Hot Dog Day
Bring out your inner Kobayashi and chow down on some hot dogs today. Eat as many as you can in five minutes and remember – dunking is for amateurs.
July 24th – Cousins Day
Get together with those family members you only see at majors holidays for a minor one. We know you don’t want to see them, but that doesn’t give you an excuse for giving into Julie’s request to borrow $1,000 again. She can pay off her own gambling debts.
July 25th – Threading the Needle Day
Make like Peyton Manning today and carry a football around with you wherever you go. Shout “Omaha” and chuck it at people. If they don’t catch it blame it on your neck surgery and demand a trade to Denver.
July 26th – All or Nothing Day
Will you have it all? Or nothing at all? Use today as a day to do that thing you’ve always wanted to do and go all in. Go big or go home. You gotta risk it to get the biscuit #inspiration
July 27th – Take Your Pants for a Walk Day
After all those food days, you’ve probably gained some weight. Work it off by going for a walk. Or hang your pants up with the legs touching a treadmill. The effect is the same.
July 28th – National Milk Chocolate Day
The best recovery drink is chocolate milk. As somebody who went for a walk yesterday, make sure to recover with the number one drink athletes recommend (that doesn’t end with -ade).
July 29th – National Lasagna Day
After working out once, you’ve earned the right to enjoy the fifth best dish that has come out of the country that looks like a boot.
July 30th – Father-in-Law Day
If you’re married, make sure to dedicate the day to the man who used to (or maybe still does) scare the crap out of you. Take him on an adventure, like a round of golf or a fishing trip. Just make sure it’s at a location with plenty of witnesses.
July 31st – Mutt’s Day
This a day for everyone of mixed descent. Celebrate the end of the month by eating food from every country. Have French for breakfast, British food for second breakfast, Mexican for lunch and Italian for dinner.
Congratulations! You made it to the end of the month. Join us next time friends for 30 things you can do in August to lose all of the weight you gained in July!